how to get your ex back
You’ve gone through relationships where you knew the other person wasn’t good for you but every so often, you’ll leave someone and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. Or, your ex left you, but you’re certain you still have a chance to have a great life together. Winning your ex back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?
Most people will tell you there’s no going back from a breakup and that you’re better off focusing on finding your next relationship. But just because sometimes it seems impossible doesn’t mean all relationships are doomed.
The “get an ex back” tactic:
You’ve heard of “buyer’s remorse,” right? You want your ex to feel “seller’s remorse”: the realization that they made a mistake by ending things and to want another chance. You have to demonstrate that you’ve become a better person after the breakup; if you can do that, you’ll remind your ex (him or her) why you dated in the first place.
1. Give them time and space.
You may be thinking, “Um. I’m looking for a way to get my ex-partner back, not push them further away.”
But if you want to win your ex back, you have to give them time and space. Calling them non-stop, begging for them back, crying on the phone, and all of the things we do when we’re hurt are a big turn off.
It’s even more of a turn off if your ex dumped you. They clearly want space from your relationship. Texting and calling constantly isn’t a good idea.
Giving your ex time and space allows you to have some time to think about the relationship. It also gives your ex time to miss you. They’re not going to miss someone who refuses to get out of their life.
Additionally, the time and space can give them the feeling of actually missing you, and remembering what was good about your relationship.
And while you’re probably reading this post because you’re sure your ex is The One, they may not be. It’s a bit of a shock to hear, but giving them time and space can give you the space you need to think about the relationship – what worked and what didn’t.
Then, if you still miss them, you know you had something worth fighting for.
2. Apply the No Contact Rule (and extend it to social media).
This one can be painful, especially if you and your ex were in a long-term relationship. It’s hard to stop talking to someone who’s been there for you for months or even years but is now no longer a part of your life. You may have been relying on them for emotional support for a long time, and going cold turkey is difficult.
While this rule is also about giving them space, it goes one step further. You can give your ex space and still talk to them once in a while, but with a no contact period, you can make sure you’re not being reminded of them at all.
This rule is two-fold: and it benefits you as well as your ex.
With this rule, you can start focusing on life without your ex and building yourself back up. Losing a good person is devastating, and being reminded of them every single day whenever they post on social media can make you feel crazy.
It also gives your ex a chance to miss you.
If you want to rekindle things with your ex (which you obviously do or you wouldn’t still be reading), you should go no contact, but save their information.
The same goes for social media. Keep them as friends on social media, but mute their profiles.
3. Spend time with friends and family.
There was a time before you and your ex knew each other. Unless you’ve been dating the same person since middle school, you likely had a network of friends and family that you hung out with often.
Now is the time to rebuild these relationships and refocus on them. This way, you can start getting your identity back as the person you were before you met your ex.
Strengthening these bonds can both help heal you from your relationship and can help boost your self-confidence. Most people’s self-esteem gets drained after a break-up, and that’s normal. This can help you build back up.
Reconnecting with family and friends can also help you fill the void that you have from no longer having your ex in your life.
This way, when you and your ex do eventually reconnect, you’ll feel more confident, and less thirsty. More like the person they fell in love with originally.
4. Don’t think of it as a competition.
"I would avoid the mindset of 'winning over anyone,'" says Bockarova. In a world that looks at dating culture as a "challenge" anyway, it's quite unhealthy to try to re-win your ex over by thinking of it in the same way you'd think about a football game whereas there's one clear winner and one loser. Seeing a reconciliation as anything other than a combination of mutual growth and effort is a pretty unhealthy approach, confirms Bockarova, and it probs signifies that you shouldn’t be getting back together in the first place.
5. Hold back on the badmouthing.
Obviously, breakups feel shitty. It's only natural (and needed) to have a vent session with your closest BFFs.
However, you can be hurt without acting vindictive especially if your ex is someone you already think you might want to get back together with. "Put yourself in your ex's shoes," Bockarova says. "Would you appreciate if someone you cared about spoke badly about you to all of your friends, [sent you] an avalanche of angry messages, or revealed secrets you had told them in a vulnerable state?"
If you ever want to open the door to dating each other again, spreading weird rumors or sending mean-spirited texts won't do you any favors. Also, it's just good practice for all breakups, regardless of your future dating intentions. It's never good to divulge super-personal gossip about an ex plus, it won't actually make you feel better.
6. Change your life before seeing if your ex fits into it.
In your time apart, you might feel a little lonelier than you used to, especially when you're making weekend plans or finding activities to fill up a rainy Tuesday night.
But learning to like yourself just as much when you're alone is arguably the most crucial part of this process. Bockarova suggests investing in new friendships and hobbies and filling up your life with as much joy as possible, even if you're still down about the breakup.
Once you've faced your fear of being partnerless, then, and only then, can you know if you genuinely want your relationship back. "If you only miss your ex when you feel lonely, or when you compare your life to those of friends in relationships but not in moments when you feel happy and confident, it won't make for a very fulfilling relationship down the line," Bockarova says.
7. Assess if your issues are actually fixable.
Okay, so you're sure you miss your ex a lot and do want them back. But there's more to it than that: Were your reasons for breaking up actually mendable?
"Problems that are tangible are easily fixed," Bockarova says. "If you broke up because a job took a partner into a new city and long distance was difficult, then the problem may be fixed if one or both partners [is] willing to make a sacrifice."
But if you had larger disagreements about your values or plans for the future (such as whether to have kids or where you ultimately want to live) you'll most likely be just as incompatible down the line. And sorry to say, you might find yourselves in the same position as before.
8. Address the elephant(s) in the room first.
You may very well be tempted to flatter your ex a bunch to warm them up, but unless they're totally oblivious, they already know what's up. Buttering them up comes off as disingenuous, even if it's not your intention.
"If there are any issues that need clarification, or anything you'd like to apologize to your partner for, do that early on," says Bockarova. "Sort out your issues so that your partner can tell you've given this some thought, and it isn't a spur of the moment decision to re-enter into a relationship."
9. End things on some great memories.
Okay, so you've sufficiently covered everything you've reflected on in your time apart. You've built a case for getting back together, and your ex has given their verdict. Maybe they're enthusiastically into it or maybe they're very firmly against. Either way, you should reflect on the best parts of your relationship.
"You always want to end this conversation on a positive note—a memory you'll always cherish, or maybe why you are glad your partner entered into your life," says Bockarova. If you love your ex enough to want to be with them again, you should try to look at your past with zero regrets, regardless of the final outcome.
10. If you do get back together, really do the work.
This goes back to the no "winning them over" thing. If you decide to give it another go, know that it's not an overnight process.
"Although it will take some work to rebuild trust, this is your opportunity to form an even deeper bond," Bockarova says. "But that can only be if you speak up to your partner about what you like and dislike, when you feel hurt and when you feel happy, and how you'd like to be treated." She also recommends therapy to sort out any recurring issues.
The point is, as fated and passionate as getting back together can feel, there were still reasons you broke up in the first place, and now's the time to tackle them. But hey, when you're with the person you want to be with, you already know you're down to try again.
